never alone

there is one thing that i can see every day.
if i look for it.
guarantee from heaven.

i am never alone.

ever since the day that i said "yes" to the One who knitted me together in my mother womb, who knows everything that there is know about me - and loves me anyway, who only ever has my best interests on His heart.
i have never been alone.
well, before that too - but i didn't know...

there have certainly been days in the past 13 years - and especially the past 5 that i have had to search & search & search for Him and it definitely felt like it was more struggle than beauty & intimacy...but guess what?
i always found Him.
always.

i have learned that He doesn't play 'hide + seek'.
we do.
if we seek Him, we WILL find Him.

He created us to love Him.

He doesn't want us to live lonely.
He doesn't want us to be alone.

the greatest love we could ever know is His.
the greatest friend we will ever know is Him.

never alone.
never.

i pray that i can pass on & example this beautiful truth to me girls.

legacy of love.
legacy of hope.

different choices. different results.

surely we have all heard the old saying, "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results".

i have heard it.
and i have done it.
i have lived it.
in different ways over the years of my life...and it certainly all lead to me feeling, and often behaving - insane.

but i expected that to change as i changed...but i have realized that it's actually my CHOICES that need to change - not just me. 
i need to make choices that breathe life, that speak dignity, that reveal truth.
that reveal to me that i am, in fact, growing up. 

i am getting there.
every day is another day filled with choices.
every day.

i hope that i make the right ones.
i hope.

because they all have consequences.
all of them.

i want to live the kind of life where i can reflect on EVERY day and see the 'stop to smell the roses" moments. the kind of life where i get to stop & look at clouds while i ponder new ways to change the world. the kind of life where love matters. the kind of life where i can breathe in sweetness and breathe out joy. i want that.

so, what will i have to do?
make different choices...and get different results.

every day.

reflecting & knowing that to get different results I need to make different choices.
so I am.
I hope you do too. 
new day dawning.

or not.
my choice.
your choice.

i choose "yes".

back to the future ?

i am sitting here watching 'Back to the future' - a brilliant film that i first watched 27 years ago...when i was 10.
i am now screening it for my own 10 year old.
time flies, huh? or does it?

when i think about the past 27 years and i think about what part, or parts, of my timeline would i go back to and attempt to change/alter/mend if i could...
i get lost in thought. easily.

BUT then i think about my present and i think about how it wouldn't be all that it is without all of the days of my past.

we are the sum part of all of the moments, experiences, connections and days of our lives. literally. 

i think about who i am and the way that i have learned to respond to certain situations, the way that i relate to different people, the way that i raise my daughters and more - and i know that i am who i am because of all of the days i have lived through...so far.

they have been training ground for my character...which makes me hope that who i am today is the best version of me that i have ever been. and that tomorrow i'll be even more like who i was created to be.

i am glad that my past is not my future.

i am equally glad that my future is not my present.

so...time is time.

there is a time for everything...and everything has it's time. i don't want to mess with that. or His plans for the days ahead.

so...i'll stay here. in the moment. yes, i'm choosing to live in the moment. [thank you Jason Mraz for that sweet soundtrack now playing in my head]

after all...if i went back and changed or altered anything i might hear Doc say "anything you do or say could have serious repercussions on future events", like he did to Marty...and i wouldn't change a thing.

especially since i have surrendered the good, bad and ugly to Him. all of it. and He is making something beautiful out of all of the days of my life.

love is a verb. and what does that mean?

as i sit here on this beautiful rainy Friday night in i can't help but contemplate how much of my life is music. it's like i have a constant soundtrack playing in my own story. and i like it.

my soundtrack is an eclectic collection of rhythms and sounds and they all matter to me, some in a big way and some in a small way. some in a repetitive way. some heard once but never forgotten. once they have been heard they have a role to play in my life soundtrack. somehow. like people. the music matters to me. it speaks of my story.

tonight i am thinking about a sweet variety of things and the song that i can hear on repeat in my head, and my heart, is 'love is a verb' by John Mayer. but why is it on repeat in my soundtrack tonight...and what does that tell of my story?

who knows?
maybe i do.
maybe i don't.

so i will consider the song.
look at the lyrics.
meditate on the words.
and search for clues.
clues that make up the bigger picture of who i am and what i desire.

love [noun] - a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person; desire; a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection. 

i could go on. the dictionary did.

it seems love really is a many splendoured thing. 

so if love is all of those things...then what is a verb?

verb [noun] - typically expresses action, state or occurrence.

love is an action. it's a state. it's an occurrence.
it's not a thing (as John Mayer so sublimely sings..)

it is something that we do.
it is something that we are.
it is something that happens. like falling. 
it is what it is. it cannot be denied. 

so...what does it all mean?

who knows?
maybe i do.
maybe i don't.

i'm still searching for clues...clues that make up the bigger picture of who i am and what i desire.
for now. i'll just keep singing songs in my head as i walk out my story.

at least the music makes the journey one i will never forget.


Love is a verb - John Mayer 

Love is a verb
It ain't a thing
It's not something you hold
It's not something you scream

When you show me love
I don't need your words
Yeah love ain't a thing
Love is a verb
Love ain't a thing
Love is a verb

Love ain't a crutch
It ain't an excuse
No you can't get through love
On just a pile of IOUs

Love ain't a drug
Despite what you've heard
Yeah love ain't a thing
Love is a verb
Love ain't a thing
Love is a verb

So you gotta show, show, show me
Show, show, show me
Show, show, show me
That love is a verb

So you gotta show, show, show me
Show, show, show me
Show, show, show me
That love is a verb

You gotta show, show, show me
Show, show, show me
Show, show, show me
That love is a verb

Love ain't a thing
Love is a verb

on reflection.

Is sitting here reflecting on the incredible weekend that I've just had, and shared, with so many dear loved ones.

Celebrating life.
Enjoying one another.
Seeing growth in action.
Talking about love, life, hope & truth.

When I think about the lives of my girls - I sit back in genuine awe of the way He has fulfilled His promise to them..and to me.

The promise to be father to the fatherless (and they've needed Him to be)
The promise to be my defender (and I've needed Him to be)
The promise to set the lonely in families (and we've needed Him to)

And a deep knowing that He is not done with us yet...in fact, He is far from done!!

He loves us, each one of us.
He has promised to never leave us or forsake us - like we've known in the past.
He has promised to stand by me & to stand up for me - and He has.
He has given me hopes & dreams for my future - and I trust Him with all that I am, so i know that one say they'll cone true.

But for now, I'm reflecting on Hos faithfulness & standing on His promises.

It's a choice.

you are always on My mind.

Tonight as I sit here pondering the incredible day of celebrating one of my phenomenal daughters birthdays and all that she means to me, I am swept away with such a deep & profound love. for her. for her sisters. for life.

It makes me think about His love, His care, His passion for me - and for you.

It makes me think about how there is never a moment that I'm not on His mind, or you're not on His mind. He is singing over me, and you, right now - "you are always on my mind".

There's no love that can ever compete with that.
There's no love so unfailing.
There's no love so assuring.

So, as I sit here and think about all that I am thinking about, I realize that the common denominator is love.

love is always on my mind, because it is always on His mind...

and I am captivated by Him.

I am always on His mind.
So are you.

No sweeter thing.

to risk or not to risk ?

i am procrastinating planning a major event and grocery shopping and instead i am sitting here at my new study window (so would you if you could see the wide and expansive open skies through it!) and i am thinking about some of the risks that i have taken over the years and how many times i have thought, "that's too hard, too wild, too much, too big, too radical, too lonely, too ______" and how EVERY time He has responded with "trust and obey Me alone". And when i have chosen to say "yes" to that seemingly radical ask of the One who knows me best and still loves me the most (who by the way is absolutely faithful and would NEVER lead me out of His will) it has led to me living life on the road less chosen, doing His will, with a deeply full heart.

i think i need to write another book, or at least a blog...so here i am.

haha. so the definition of risk is : exposure to the chance of injury or loss; a hazard or dangerous chance.

exposure. chance. hazard. dangerous - but they are all just 'potentials' or 'maybes'...what about what might happen to us and to our souls if we don't risk and if we don't expose ourselves to it?

and when is the risk to not take the risk more dangerous than the actual risk itself?

most often. if not always. well, for me anyway...

to stay in our comfort zones and not dare to live everyday life as the big & beautiful adventure that He created it to be for us, to stick with what and who we know instead of be brave enough to be open and vulnerable again, to be too afraid to step out on the to the ledge and take the leap of faith that he requires us to take if we want to live fully awake and fully alive, to go backwards instead of forwards no matter how much we will be challenged and stretched, to allow loneliness to swallow us up when we consider the narrow road - not thinking about the incredible calibre of people that are also on said narrow road, to shrink back instead of spread our wings...and the list goes on.

i trust Him. i really do. with all that I am.
because when i look back over my life i see His hand of love, care, grace and faithfulness threaded magnificently throughout it - whether i knew Him then or not. He knew me + He loved me.

so, i will risk - again...and again...and again.
at His lead and into His will - regardless of how wild it may seem to me.
He sees the bigger picture.
He knows it all.
He sees beyond.
His ways are not my ways.

and i know that through it all, i am never alone.