never alone

there is one thing that i can see every day.
if i look for it.
guarantee from heaven.

i am never alone.

ever since the day that i said "yes" to the One who knitted me together in my mother womb, who knows everything that there is know about me - and loves me anyway, who only ever has my best interests on His heart.
i have never been alone.
well, before that too - but i didn't know...

there have certainly been days in the past 13 years - and especially the past 5 that i have had to search & search & search for Him and it definitely felt like it was more struggle than beauty & intimacy...but guess what?
i always found Him.
always.

i have learned that He doesn't play 'hide + seek'.
we do.
if we seek Him, we WILL find Him.

He created us to love Him.

He doesn't want us to live lonely.
He doesn't want us to be alone.

the greatest love we could ever know is His.
the greatest friend we will ever know is Him.

never alone.
never.

i pray that i can pass on & example this beautiful truth to me girls.

legacy of love.
legacy of hope.

different choices. different results.

surely we have all heard the old saying, "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results".

i have heard it.
and i have done it.
i have lived it.
in different ways over the years of my life...and it certainly all lead to me feeling, and often behaving - insane.

but i expected that to change as i changed...but i have realized that it's actually my CHOICES that need to change - not just me. 
i need to make choices that breathe life, that speak dignity, that reveal truth.
that reveal to me that i am, in fact, growing up. 

i am getting there.
every day is another day filled with choices.
every day.

i hope that i make the right ones.
i hope.

because they all have consequences.
all of them.

i want to live the kind of life where i can reflect on EVERY day and see the 'stop to smell the roses" moments. the kind of life where i get to stop & look at clouds while i ponder new ways to change the world. the kind of life where love matters. the kind of life where i can breathe in sweetness and breathe out joy. i want that.

so, what will i have to do?
make different choices...and get different results.

every day.

reflecting & knowing that to get different results I need to make different choices.
so I am.
I hope you do too. 
new day dawning.

or not.
my choice.
your choice.

i choose "yes".

back to the future ?

i am sitting here watching 'Back to the future' - a brilliant film that i first watched 27 years ago...when i was 10.
i am now screening it for my own 10 year old.
time flies, huh? or does it?

when i think about the past 27 years and i think about what part, or parts, of my timeline would i go back to and attempt to change/alter/mend if i could...
i get lost in thought. easily.

BUT then i think about my present and i think about how it wouldn't be all that it is without all of the days of my past.

we are the sum part of all of the moments, experiences, connections and days of our lives. literally. 

i think about who i am and the way that i have learned to respond to certain situations, the way that i relate to different people, the way that i raise my daughters and more - and i know that i am who i am because of all of the days i have lived through...so far.

they have been training ground for my character...which makes me hope that who i am today is the best version of me that i have ever been. and that tomorrow i'll be even more like who i was created to be.

i am glad that my past is not my future.

i am equally glad that my future is not my present.

so...time is time.

there is a time for everything...and everything has it's time. i don't want to mess with that. or His plans for the days ahead.

so...i'll stay here. in the moment. yes, i'm choosing to live in the moment. [thank you Jason Mraz for that sweet soundtrack now playing in my head]

after all...if i went back and changed or altered anything i might hear Doc say "anything you do or say could have serious repercussions on future events", like he did to Marty...and i wouldn't change a thing.

especially since i have surrendered the good, bad and ugly to Him. all of it. and He is making something beautiful out of all of the days of my life.

love is a verb. and what does that mean?

as i sit here on this beautiful rainy Friday night in i can't help but contemplate how much of my life is music. it's like i have a constant soundtrack playing in my own story. and i like it.

my soundtrack is an eclectic collection of rhythms and sounds and they all matter to me, some in a big way and some in a small way. some in a repetitive way. some heard once but never forgotten. once they have been heard they have a role to play in my life soundtrack. somehow. like people. the music matters to me. it speaks of my story.

tonight i am thinking about a sweet variety of things and the song that i can hear on repeat in my head, and my heart, is 'love is a verb' by John Mayer. but why is it on repeat in my soundtrack tonight...and what does that tell of my story?

who knows?
maybe i do.
maybe i don't.

so i will consider the song.
look at the lyrics.
meditate on the words.
and search for clues.
clues that make up the bigger picture of who i am and what i desire.

love [noun] - a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person; desire; a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection. 

i could go on. the dictionary did.

it seems love really is a many splendoured thing. 

so if love is all of those things...then what is a verb?

verb [noun] - typically expresses action, state or occurrence.

love is an action. it's a state. it's an occurrence.
it's not a thing (as John Mayer so sublimely sings..)

it is something that we do.
it is something that we are.
it is something that happens. like falling. 
it is what it is. it cannot be denied. 

so...what does it all mean?

who knows?
maybe i do.
maybe i don't.

i'm still searching for clues...clues that make up the bigger picture of who i am and what i desire.
for now. i'll just keep singing songs in my head as i walk out my story.

at least the music makes the journey one i will never forget.


Love is a verb - John Mayer 

Love is a verb
It ain't a thing
It's not something you hold
It's not something you scream

When you show me love
I don't need your words
Yeah love ain't a thing
Love is a verb
Love ain't a thing
Love is a verb

Love ain't a crutch
It ain't an excuse
No you can't get through love
On just a pile of IOUs

Love ain't a drug
Despite what you've heard
Yeah love ain't a thing
Love is a verb
Love ain't a thing
Love is a verb

So you gotta show, show, show me
Show, show, show me
Show, show, show me
That love is a verb

So you gotta show, show, show me
Show, show, show me
Show, show, show me
That love is a verb

You gotta show, show, show me
Show, show, show me
Show, show, show me
That love is a verb

Love ain't a thing
Love is a verb

on reflection.

Is sitting here reflecting on the incredible weekend that I've just had, and shared, with so many dear loved ones.

Celebrating life.
Enjoying one another.
Seeing growth in action.
Talking about love, life, hope & truth.

When I think about the lives of my girls - I sit back in genuine awe of the way He has fulfilled His promise to them..and to me.

The promise to be father to the fatherless (and they've needed Him to be)
The promise to be my defender (and I've needed Him to be)
The promise to set the lonely in families (and we've needed Him to)

And a deep knowing that He is not done with us yet...in fact, He is far from done!!

He loves us, each one of us.
He has promised to never leave us or forsake us - like we've known in the past.
He has promised to stand by me & to stand up for me - and He has.
He has given me hopes & dreams for my future - and I trust Him with all that I am, so i know that one say they'll cone true.

But for now, I'm reflecting on Hos faithfulness & standing on His promises.

It's a choice.

you are always on My mind.

Tonight as I sit here pondering the incredible day of celebrating one of my phenomenal daughters birthdays and all that she means to me, I am swept away with such a deep & profound love. for her. for her sisters. for life.

It makes me think about His love, His care, His passion for me - and for you.

It makes me think about how there is never a moment that I'm not on His mind, or you're not on His mind. He is singing over me, and you, right now - "you are always on my mind".

There's no love that can ever compete with that.
There's no love so unfailing.
There's no love so assuring.

So, as I sit here and think about all that I am thinking about, I realize that the common denominator is love.

love is always on my mind, because it is always on His mind...

and I am captivated by Him.

I am always on His mind.
So are you.

No sweeter thing.

to risk or not to risk ?

i am procrastinating planning a major event and grocery shopping and instead i am sitting here at my new study window (so would you if you could see the wide and expansive open skies through it!) and i am thinking about some of the risks that i have taken over the years and how many times i have thought, "that's too hard, too wild, too much, too big, too radical, too lonely, too ______" and how EVERY time He has responded with "trust and obey Me alone". And when i have chosen to say "yes" to that seemingly radical ask of the One who knows me best and still loves me the most (who by the way is absolutely faithful and would NEVER lead me out of His will) it has led to me living life on the road less chosen, doing His will, with a deeply full heart.

i think i need to write another book, or at least a blog...so here i am.

haha. so the definition of risk is : exposure to the chance of injury or loss; a hazard or dangerous chance.

exposure. chance. hazard. dangerous - but they are all just 'potentials' or 'maybes'...what about what might happen to us and to our souls if we don't risk and if we don't expose ourselves to it?

and when is the risk to not take the risk more dangerous than the actual risk itself?

most often. if not always. well, for me anyway...

to stay in our comfort zones and not dare to live everyday life as the big & beautiful adventure that He created it to be for us, to stick with what and who we know instead of be brave enough to be open and vulnerable again, to be too afraid to step out on the to the ledge and take the leap of faith that he requires us to take if we want to live fully awake and fully alive, to go backwards instead of forwards no matter how much we will be challenged and stretched, to allow loneliness to swallow us up when we consider the narrow road - not thinking about the incredible calibre of people that are also on said narrow road, to shrink back instead of spread our wings...and the list goes on.

i trust Him. i really do. with all that I am.
because when i look back over my life i see His hand of love, care, grace and faithfulness threaded magnificently throughout it - whether i knew Him then or not. He knew me + He loved me.

so, i will risk - again...and again...and again.
at His lead and into His will - regardless of how wild it may seem to me.
He sees the bigger picture.
He knows it all.
He sees beyond.
His ways are not my ways.

and i know that through it all, i am never alone.

He does exactly as He promises He will...

When in doubt that God does exactly as He promises us He is going to do - regardless of how extremely radical it seems, no matter how wild and magnificent it may be or how "unqualified" we might feel we are - read Luke 1.

The angel Gabriel appeared to a virgin and told her that she was going to birth the Savior of the world.
That is radical. Beyond radical - sounds crazy!

He greets her in verse 28 (NIV) with "Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you."

Wow...

Then goes on to say in verse 30 (The Message) "Mary, you have nothing to fear. God has a surprise for you."

I wonder what she was thinking in that moment?

A surprise from God! Wouldn't we all love a surprise from God? A surprise that enters stage left and blows our minds & hearts apart with delight?

But...it's preceded with "you have nothing to fear". Suggesting to me that it is going to require bravery, courage and willingness, no matter what it is.

She trusted God.
She trusted Him to do exactly and He promised He would do...and she KNEW from verse 28 that He was going to be with her.

So, she leaned in, she listened, she trusted and she followed the instructions.

Because she had relationship with Him. Because she knew that He could be trusted.

Her response after Gabriel's radical explanation of what was about to happen to her - because God had chosen her as faithful - is one of my favorite verses in the entire bible...
Luke 1:38 (NIV) - "I am the Lords servant," Mary answered. "May it be to me as you have said."

Wow. What a sweet, honest and trusting response.
What would yours be?
What will mine be?

I KNOW that He does exactly as He promises...and I think that I trust Him but when He starts to reveal His promises will I willingly accept them as Mary did in verse 38?

I hope so.
I really hope so.

Verse 38 in the Message says, "Nothing, you see, is impossible with God."

I believe. I do.

Dreams come true

Last night I had a dream.
Dreaming is not unusual for me - when I'm awake and when I'm asleep.

And I often remember them...the details...the scenes...the people...the places.

It's not unusual.

But when I have the same dream 4 nights in a row...I start to highly suspect that God is clearly speaking to me about what is on my heart and what is in my prayers.

Has He ever spoken to you in your dreams?
Confirming questions that you've been asking?
Revealing depths that you might not be open to receive when you are awake?

I'm vulnerable when I'm asleep - I'm fully His.
No distractions.
No hindrances.
No me.
All Him.

So... He's speaking and I'm listening.

I'm taking notice.

I'm taking the dreams back to Him and asking Him to clarify through His word and my journalling.

And I'm expecting Him to.

Are you expecting Him to speak?
He will.

He loves to delight in us as we delight in Him.

Try it?

give it away, give it away now...

for the past 2 days I have, almost continuously, heard the Red Hot Chili Peppers singing this in my head..."give it away, give it away, give it away now.."

then I realized it wasn't the Red Hot Chili Peppers singing to me...it was a message from God.

i feel like He often uses mediums that i love to speak to me - like music and films, to reveal Himself to me. maybe He is OR maybe it's the turning point to me 'finally' getting the message from Him! Ha.

So, this time around - God was telling me to give something away. something that i didn't know i needed to give away and then when i worked out what it was He was talking about i realized that i didn't want to give it away...and then i remembered the power of Him repeating Himself 3 times in the Scriptures...and then concluding it with a "now". and i realized - i wanted to obey Him more than i wanted to hold on the thing that He wanted me to give away.

a little cryptic.

perhaps.

and that's alright. sometimes my journey with Him is...or it seems to be...cryptic - BUT i absolutely 100% trust that He has ALL of the details figured out. and i trust Him WAY more than i will ever trust myself.

So...i gave it away.

and now i am blogging about it in the hope that this somewhat cryptic mid-week message will challenge, prompt, bless or inspire someone...anyone!

He is good.
He can be trusted.
He always only ever wants the best for us.
He sees the bigger picture.
He is a phenomenal Author.

Project: 365 days of grateful [year 1]

367 days ago I started a new photo album, after hearing another woman's "365 grateful journey".
It resonated with me deeply. To take photos every day of things that you are grateful for and then upload them to your album.

Admittedly some days there was a seemingly a million things to be grateful for - my girls, the Word, the sky, my puppy, people I journey life with...and other days it felt like a huge stretch to find even one.

Some days I wanted to take a photo of my breath, because it felt like all I had.

And I had to be ok with myself about that...

This 365 days have truly changed my life...forever. Now I live a life of gracefulness...I'm always looking for things to be grateful for.

The default position of my heart is gratefulness.
My first response is gratefulness.
My mind is postures towards gratefulness.

And it keeps my eyes, heart and mind on Him. always.

I'm still in reflection mode about the beautiful depth of impact on my life this "project" has had.

So...now it is a way of life for me.

On day 366 I woke up and started a new album...

I am grateful for the grateful project.

Never the same.

4 years = 1,460 days

Tonight I am sitting here pondering how long 4 years is...it's 1,460 days.
A lot can happen in 1,460 days...

1,460 days ago the man that I had been married to for 6 years walked out of the family home, never to return.
He has his version of the separation and divorce journey and I have mine - and only God knows the absolute truth.

What I have come to know is this...God is good, He is faithful, His love never fails, He will never leave me or forsake me, He will never run out on me, He loves me for me, I am precious in His sight, I am the apple of His eye, He longs to dance with me, He is continually wooing me unto Himself, He has my best interest on His heart, I am important to Him, I am His & He is mine...and more.

This is not text-book understanding to me...I KNOW it.
I have had to lean in to know it for myself so that I didn't completely fall apart.
I have had to seek Him for the absolute truth so that I didn't lose the plot.
I have had to let Him love me when I felt unlovable.
I have had to choose Him...daily.

Some days out of those 1,460 have been easier than others, but all that suggests is that some of those 1,460 days have been harder too.

I have been lonely some days...but never alone.
I have felt lost some days...but never have been.
I have questioned everything...and some days I still do.

One thing that I know for sure.

I am altogether lovely to Him.

That revelation has taken time, effort, prayer, choice, counseling, encouragement, challenge, trust and love.

But...here I sit tonight - more healed and whole than I have ever been, at a greater level of peace than I have ever known, living at a deeper level of freedom than I have ever known and more radically in love with Jesus than ever before.

By choice.

I am grateful for His great love.
I live by it.

I am lost in Him...no place I'd rather be.

Grateful that 1 day in His courts is better than 1,000 elsewhere.

Loved,
Lovely.
His.

another level of redemption.

6 weeks ago a lovely random lady walked in to Hope Haven while the team were meeting one morning (and we were certain that we had locked the door!) looking for a ladies bathroom.

We welcomed her & showed her the bathroom (where words of life & truth are written all over the mirror!) and while she was in there I gathered up a mini booklet & some brochures and stuff!

She came out & said, "thank you! I'm at the church next door for a funeral & needed the bathroom...who is this 'Hope Foundation'?

Of course...I gladly told her! She then said, "do you do public speaking?" I excitedly said - "yes, I do!". She proceeded to tell me that she runs a women's group & they meet once a month for lunch in the city & she would love me to come & speak one day.

I hear that a lot, so I gave her my card and that was it...

3 weeks ago she called me saying the Lord Mayor had been booked for November but needed to change it to December & could I do it instead!

So...today I spoke for 50 women aged 50+ and an exclusive gentlemans club in the city.

Today God redeemed another broken fragment of my heart.

All because a precious lady needed a loo & she (like I!) didn't want to by-pass the "connection for a reason" moment!

You see, 15 years ago i entered that same club, for a private function...as a sex worker.

Today i entered that club free and expectant for God to do an even deeper healing work inside of me. And He did.

I left that club today an even freer woman than I was when i had walked in.

I'm awed at the depth of His love.
I'm shocked at the variety of layers of pain that He so sweetly broke through today.
I'm loved.
I'm His.
I'm free....

My healing is in His hands, in His timing, by His stripes.

Still processing...had to share.

Faithful God.

3 November 2011

God answered my prayer with a song...

THE most hilarious thing happened to me tonight when I was praying...and being still.

I started to hear Bonnie Tyler singing in my head and/or my heart - maybe it was both.
BUT it was definitely her...and it came, almost immediately, in response to my prayers.
Prayers that only He knows the details of...better than I know them myself.

I am certain that I have not heard this song for probably 20 years. BUT it was like I knew every word.

I then did what wisdom would do...I googled the lyrics. Read them and LAUGHED. They were an answer to my prayers

I heard her singing "Holding out for a hero"...


Where have all the good men gone
And where are all the gods?
Where's the street-wise Hercules
To fight the rising odds?
Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed?
Late at night I toss and turn and dream
of what I need

[Chorus]

I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night
He's gotta be strong
And he's gotta be fast
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight
I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light
He's gotta be sure
And it's gotta be soon
And he's gotta be larger than life

Somewhere after midnight
In my wildest fantasy
Somewhere just beyond my reach
There's someone reaching back for me
Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat
It's gonna take a superman to sweep me off my feet

[Chorus]

Up where the mountains meet the heavens above
Out where the lightning splits the sea
I could swear that there's someone somewhere
Watching me

Through the wind and the chill and the rain
And the storm and the flood
I can feel his approach
Like the fire in my blood

Now, only God and I know what the prayer was that this was the answer to. 
BUT - read them again - doesn't this sound so much like Jesus and the love that He so freely gives?

I'll leave it with you...worth a YouTube search - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBwS66EBUcY

the mathematics of surrender

Ok, so when God started to reveal & download this message to me I was confused! I don't even really like mathematics. But as I started to pray & ponder I realized that He was in fact teaching me about surrender. then, and only then did I lean in for the fullness of the message to be revealed.

Humans are funny creatures, aren't they?!

I started to reflect on my journey so far and thought about all of the times I haven't surrendered fully (even 99% is not fully you know?) and how in those seasons my peace was definitely subtracted & divided from my life and the chaos and confusion was multiplied & added to.

Then I started to reflect on the lessons, the tears, the falling down & choosing to get back up, the trusting despite circumstances and/or feelings, the sowing of seeds, the humanity.

Then I realized, when I surrender to the simple but powerful truth that God is God and I am not then the peace & provision multiply & are added to and the chaos & confusion is subtracted & divided by!

So, for this moment I'm choosing to surrender all (again! some days it's once and I stay there and other times it's at least 1,000 times in any given day) and trusting for addition and multiplication of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness & self-control and division & subtraction of doubt, fear, confusion and anger.

Worth a try, right?

Ahhh, I knew all those years of mathematics in school would come in handy one day! Only God could've known how ;)

Surrendered.
Added to.
Multiplied by.

Excited.
Expectant.

Are you ?

my friends. new things.

i keep laughing about all that God is doing. about the plans that He has. about the friendships He is creating & restoring. about the paths that He is crossing mine with.

about the hearts that He is aligning with mine...and mine with theirs.

something new is brewing - on the boil, on the way, becoming full.

this city WILL be changed by the power of love. it will.

it makes my heart smile. it inspires fresh + new dreams.

it makes me laugh.

but i don't always laugh about surrender.

surrender = sacrifice.

sacrifice requires consistent obedience.

i'm getting there. and smiling on the way.

are you?

Proverbs 31:25 - she is clothed with strength and dignity and smiles at the future

dreams

I am learning that dreams come true. If they're surrendered.

That surrender needs to be followed by my obedience & continual choice to trust His timing, His process & His plan.

I don't always get it right.

I am grateful for His patience with me.

I am grateful that His dreams can come true through me if I trust & obey.

I'm learning.
He's gracious.
Life's good.

musings

today i was chatting with some friends and we were discussing the power of communication and words. i said that i loved communicating my private journey in public because i genuinely believe that others have been, can be and will be encouraged, challenged and inspired by it. well, at least i hope they will. my friends suggested that i start a blog to share the outworking of my heart, mind and soul journey.

i have tried blogging before, but i kept forgetting to do it.

i think this time it's going to be different. why? because i am different.

i'm not who i was this time yesterday, or last week. neither are you...or are you?

so...here i go. on a new blogging adventure. i hope that you'll join me in my musings.

ps - the definition of musings is absorbed in thought, meditative.

and i am.

aren't we all?